Victor: Do you listen to all the experts on podcasts and think, "no wonder they're experts. They're awesome. They're smart. They're..." -- stop right there! You're awesome. You have a story to tell, and there really is no one like you. Fellow normal humans Dalia Ramahi and Jordan Drayer share what they've learned in hopes of inspiring you to find your unique voice. This is the Blooming Voices Podcast. Go to bloomingvoices.com for more information. Now let's get to it.
Dalia: Hi guys. Thanks for joining us for another episode. I'm Dalia.
Jordan: I'm Jordan. Today, we're just going to get right to it. I'm going to tell you a story, and Dalia is very excited to hear it.
Dalia: Yes, I am.
Jordan: So I recently invited someone into my home that was looking for a place to stay for only a few days. I was like, okay, sure. You can use my room. 'Cause I wasn't going to be there at the time. Turns out anyway that she was a really bad guest and was not respectful towards my roommates that are there, using like bathroom equipment, like floss without asking, and leaving a mess in the bathroom in general, and kind of expecting them to be maids, leaving a towel, a wet towel on my bed. Like where they supposed to -- what if they never went in my room and found that towel while I'm gone? Like what -- would it just mold there on my bed? I don't know. So I decided to write a note, and I am not a person who is good at confrontation. So this was even as I was writing it, I, I was, my, my shoulders were tensing up and my, my neck was tensing up, and I still feel scared even thinking about it, but I decided I need to do this for my own growth. And so I did, I, I did my best with the I language and hardly using the word you, and using stuff like "it appears that" blah-blah-blah and giving her time for her side of the story as well saying, "I only got the words from my roommates and please let me know your side." So what do you think of that?
Dalia: I think that it's really awesome, first of all, that you used your voice. Confrontation can be scary and nerve-wracking, especially when you're not used to it, but this is what we're here to do. We're here to learn how to use our voices, and as voice actors, it's really important, because it's not about also just reading other people's words. We have to find our own truth and be able to see our own -- and be able to say our own words too. I mean, I think that this guest of yours is, um, pretty inconsiderate -- and I'm just trying to use nice language here.
You know what I mean?
Jordan: Well, don't -- I don't think you have to hold back.
Dalia: Well, because I don't know her. So I mean, I'm like, and so I, I don't want to like say anything bad about her, but I, it doesn't seem like she respected you, she respected the trust that you put in her to take care of your stuff, your home while you were gone, and that's not cool. And I'm saying that's not cool and in -- not in a laid back way. I just, I don't like that kind of behavior. And I think that it's awesome that you used your voice to express that while trying to get her side of the story, because you don't want to jump to conclusions. But at the same time you have trust in your other roommates. So they're not going to be making something up just for the sake of it. You know what I mean?
Jordan: Yeah. Like one of them I've known since middle school and the other one is her sister.
Dalia: Okay, exactly.
Jordan: So like, of course I'm going to trust them over the, the person that I've only, I don't know, I've only know in a few years.
Dalia: Exactly. And that being said, you still want to hear her out, and she doesn't want to respond, or she hasn't given you a response yet, right?
Jordan: No. Yes. She hasn't given me a response as of this recording.
Dalia: Uh, I want to ask you a question before we talk any further about it. What is it about this specific confrontation that made you nervous to speak up? Like why? Why do you, why, why does that bother you or, or make you feel awkward or unsettled to do?
Jordan: Like any confrontation does, I, I I'm afraid of people yelling at me 'cause I was yelled a lot in my childhood. Uh, so that's, that's always where my mind goes, but I suppose like the biggest fear would be that she slanders me across Facebook or something, but I, then I tell myself, I know I've got people that would stand up for me, like mutual friends of ours that would stand up for me, and like would hear my facts, and not just accept her facts without hearing from me. So that's kind of the worst of it. And I'm not really, it's like I am, and I am not afraid of that, but also I'm, I'm not as active on Facebook these days anyway. So why should I worry about that? Mostly I'm just, I fear her writing back, "well, this, this and this," really angry! And, but then it's like.
Dalia: Like pushing back. You mean like --
Jordan: Yeah.
Dalia: -- pushing back? Okay.
Jordan: Yeah, like even though it's like, I don't, I don't really know her that well in the end, and it wouldn't be a great loss if, if I stopped talking to her, 'cause I don't actually really talk to her that much.
Dalia: Okay. Exactly. And you know what? That goes to the whole zero F's, unapologetic attitude. We don't have to be bitchy and mean to people to be unapologetically ourselves and speak our truth. Right? Because at the end of the day, when we hold back, we end up hurting ourselves, in my opinion, because I held back so much growing up, and there were times where I wish I said things that I should have said, but didn't, and it just ate away at me. You know what I mean?
Jordan: Can you think of anything that is equivalent to this, uh, this story maybe?
Dalia: Oh, I have lots, unfortunately. This podcast will be way too long if I get into all of those. But my basic takeaway from my life experiences, very similar to what you just shared on this podcast, at the end of the day, what I found out is confrontation for me, just like you -- maybe it's a Scorpio thing, I dunno -- but confrontation for me was uncomfortable. Why? Because at the end of the day, I accepted my reality, which was I was a people-pleaser at some level.
Jordan: Me too.
Dalia: I didn't want to make, I don't want to make people mad at me. I want everyone to like me.
Jordan: Yes.
Dalia: And then as I got older into my late twenties, I started to realize that why do I care so much about people that don't care about me or aren't a priority in my life? Why do I care about what other people think about me? My family and my friends, they already know how they feel about me. Right? So that whole people-pleasing tendency I realized was my problem. And when you don't speak your truth, it makes you feel -- what's the word I'm looking for -- you just don't feel like yourself. You don't feel right.
Jordan: Well yeah, I know I, ugh, like not hindered, but um, it's like stuck sort of.
Dalia: You're slowed down in life.
Jordan: Yeah. Because you, you are mad. Like I am mad that this happened. 'Cause I feel bad that my roommates went through that with, with a stranger to them, like, because of my overly trusting nature. And th- -- and this isn't going to put me off inviting people to my home in the future. 'Cause, uh, one of them was like, "we should a hundred percent know someone before" -- no, I don't believe in that. Like it's okay for me to like 50% know someone before I open my house to them.
Dalia: Listen, just because you open the door, doesn't mean you have to allow them permission into your whole house. Right? And, and, and, and I mean that metaphorically, I'm not talking about your literal situation. I'm saying we can be kind to people, be, um, open to them, but also our best judgment can come into play about how we choose to interpret their character based on such little information. And I like to give people the benefit of the doubt --
Jordan: Yeah.
Dalia: -- not cast judgment on them. You know, the whole thing where, you know, you make judgment on people based on the first impressions you -- like first impressions are a big deal.
I get it. You know what I mean? And there's such a big deal in our industry especially. They hear voice once and blah, blah, blah, blah. That being said, we all have initial gut reactions to people. We can take a step back and decide, is that coming from a place of ego where, you know, we're looking at someone through the eyes of our own insecurities, or are we truly looking at the person in front of us just as they are, you know?
Jordan: Yeah, and --
Dalia: And you're not gonna know that from meeting someone for the first time. You got to give them a chance or decide that their energy isn't really aligned with you and be like, okay, time to --
Jordan: Yeah.
Dalia: -- peacefully bow out.
Jordan: And like, there was, there was never anything that told me, oh, I should be aware of that -- I should be wary of this girl.
Dalia: Yeah.
Jordan: Like, she seemed like a normal person and like --
Dalia: And she could be. She's probably a slob, you know --
Jordan: Yeah, or maybe her parents --
Dalia: She doesn't care about herself enough.
Jordan: Maybe her parents never impro- -- in, I don't know, what's the word? Not impose, uh, never really taught this kind of thing.
Dalia: And do you know what the -- and the truth is, Jordan, you know, maybe her parents did, but she was just never receptive to it. You know? 'Cause she's, I assume she's an adult, right?
Jordan: Yeah.
Dalia: So at some point the upbringing of the parents ends. What the parents taught --
Jordan: I still believe --
Dalia: -- or teach --
Jordan: -- it's around like 13 or -- I think it starts really young when you decide what you want to do or who you're going to be. And --
Dalia: Yeah. And in America you're legally an adult at 21, and you're what is it? Um, considered independent at 18, right?
Jordan: Yeah, so --
Dalia: The way she is now is completely her responsibility, regardless of how her parents handled it. She's an adult. And I'm assuming she has basic cognitive abilities and stuff. I'm not knocking her or just making assumptions about her. But if she does, she can make her own decisions. So whether her parents taught her that or not is irrelevant. She's choosing her way of life right now. And that says a lot about who she is.
Jordan: Yeah. 'Cause like, to me it only makes sense to not leave a wet towel on a bed or something like that. I don't know.
Dalia: Yeah. Well, I mean, that's, that's slobbiness -- sloppiness. I said slobbiness. Okay. I'll combine words. But that sloppiness, I think, is a reflection of her state, of being, of where she sees herself when -- she probably isn't -- is totally unaware of it. You know what I mean?
Jordan: Yeah.
Dalia: So you got to speak your truth. I think you did the right thing.
Jordan: Yeah. Hopefully. It helps her in the future. And if nothing, if she just never responds, at least I'm getting the practice of standing up for myself, and it's uh, yeah. It's part of my spiritual curriculum.
Dalia: There you go. And how do you feel?
Jordan: I still feel kind of nervous. Like maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, once I've slept and stuff. And I can just not think about it anymore. I still, I still am like, oh, that message is going to come in and she's going to have all capital letters, and but yeah, like it's, it's, it's a message. It's not her calling me and yelling at me. It's a message that I could even delete or something if I didn't want to look at it.
Dalia: But can we take a time out there? But you're assuming the worst case scenario.
Jordan: Well, I always do.
Dalia: Okay. So, and that's, and that's where your nervousness seems like it's coming from, because you're assuming a reaction and it, through that idea of like -- 'cause I used to get in that habit a lot of mind reading, of, of fortune telling, you know what I mean? Of trying to decide -- like we're trying to predict an outcome based on our worst fears, you know? And my only question to you is, what would it look like if you assume the best outcome instead?
Jordan: Yeah. I know it's something I need to work on anyway. Like the best I would come would be her, "Oh, I'm sorry." You know, like actually sincerely sorry. And "I'm not, I didn't really realize," you know, and that she actually learns from it.
Dalia: There you go. So, um, maybe to help with that nervousness, instead of thinking only about the worst outcome, we can look at the best and have a scale and -- but whatever's in between, "hey, okay! That wasn't so bad," you know what I mean?
Jordan: Yeah.
Dalia: And at the end of the day, you can't control who she is and how she'll react, but I'm proud of you for taking a stand and speaking your truth. That's where it starts.
Jordan: Yes.
Dalia: Yeah. Yeah. I'm so proud of you. That's awesome! And that's what this podcast is all about, learning from our life experiences and sharing them, you know what I mean?
Jordan: Yeah. Just one small step. Like one, one thing, one at a time.
Dalia: Baby steps. Transformation doesn't happen overnight.
Jordan: No.
Dalia: We learn and we grow and we become the people we envision ourselves to be truly. And the only way to do that is by constant practice.
Jordan: I hope that in doing this, writing my actual thoughts or telling people my actually thought -- my actual thoughts, like one at a time, I'll one day, just not feel nervous doing it or not feel guilty after doing it. Like I won't feel guilty for standing up for myself and it really is just practice makes perfect.
Dalia: That's an interesting word that you say, that's -- like the choice of words that you used is, um, really interesting, guilt. And I mean, we can talk about this now or for another podcast, but, um, I think that's interesting that we're programmed to feel guilt or shame, especially as women. And we're definitely talking about this on a whole other podcast!
Jordan: Yeah. It's gonna be too big, I think.
Dalia: Yeah. But uh, those two words are very interesting to me because, uh, I grew up that way too. You know what I mean? And so just whenever you do something new, whenever you do something uncomfortable and get out of your comfort zone, we're always going to feel that little bit of nervousness, because we don't know what to expect, because it's like, you're creating a new pathway. You, you don't see the road where it goes from this type of behavior, this type of action. So yeah. It's normal to be nervous.
Jordan: Yeah.
Dalia: And it'll go away as you get more comfortable --
Jordan: Better at it, yeah.
Dalia: -- using your voice. Yeah, absolutely.
Jordan: Thank you.
Dalia: Aww, yay!
Jordan: But so thank you. I hope you learned something from my little struggle, and if you're struggling with the same thing, confronting people, just try it, just do it. That's all you have -- like that's all you can do is just do it.
Dalia: Yeah. And if you're listening to this podcast and you feel called to share your story with us, please do. Email us, visit our website. All the information is there for you guys. And we'd love to hear from you. We'd love to put you on our podcast and hear your stories of how you've overcome something, what your takeaways are, because all our experiences, our collective experiences help us all learn and grow and become better.
Jordan: Even if you think you're, "oh, well I'm just at the beginning of learning this or" -- no, like whenever. You're, you're at the beginning, you're at the middle, or you've completely overcome feeling like you can't confront someone. I don't know.
Dalia: Exactly.
Jordan: Anything is welcome.
Dalia: Practice with us. Practice with us. That's what we're here for. Right?
Jordan: Yeah. Okay --
Dalia: Awesome.
Jordan: Well, thank you. We'll see you next time.
Dalia: Okay guys, take care.
Jordan: Bye.
Victor: That's our show. Didn't get enough of the twins? Go to BloomingVoices.com for more information and let us know what you thought of the episode. Twitter, Instagram, email, we've got the works. We'll see you next Wednesday.
