Victor: Do you listen to all the experts on podcasts and think, "no wonder they're experts. They're awesome. They're smart. They're..." -- stop right there! You're awesome. You have a story to tell, and there really is no one like you. Fellow normal humans Dalia Ramahi and Jordan Drayer share what they've learned in hopes of inspiring you to find your unique voice. This is the Blooming Voices Podcast. Go to bloomingvoices.com for more information. Now let's get to it.

Jordan: Hi there. Welcome to the Blooming Voices Podcast. I'm Jordan Drayer. 

Dalia: I'm Dalia Ramahi. And today's episode, we're going to talk about taking things personally.

Jordan: Yes, because this is something we both have some growth still left to do. And I don't think, I don't think you can ever be finished with this. It's part of "The Four Agreements" book. So I'm going to use an example of a resolution to another episode. The one -- the bad house guest ended up apologizing. And so it was an amazing thing. And she mentioned that she meant none of it personally, that nothing maliciously. And I knew that she didn't. It's just really hard to not take it personal sometimes. And that happened with another roommate I had in the past too, where he would wash one dish, and then for some reason not wash the rest of what went with his dinner. Like not, not wash the forks or the cup, or I don't know. It's like, are you doing this on purpose? Is this to be mean? Do you -- I don't understand.

So like, it's hard to sometimes believe that the other person is just forgetful or I don't know, they weren't raised properly again or that kind of thing. And that they really aren't doing it to be mean particularly to you unless maybe they really are. But that's probably like, I don't know, 10% of the time. I imagine other 90 cent, 90% of the time is they are just forgetful. Maybe they're pressed for time, and they have to get dressed and go, and then they left you a sink full of dishes for the rest of the evening, before they get back at 11:00 PM or something.

Dalia: I can totally relate to what you're saying and, and, and the feelings that you have about taking things personal. I mean, it's so easy to create a story that someone is somehow malicious or doing something against us intentionally, because that makes sense, because if it's an intentional action, it makes sense, right? Um, I have the same thing. When I get feedback sometimes or, um, criticized, it's easy to want to take that personal, like, "oh my God, I knew it! I really wasn't good enough. And they all see me that way." Or "I knew that -- that that was the case," you know what I mean? But that's not always the case. 

An observation is just that an observation, regardless of the circumstance that it's being offered in, you know what I mean? And, um, that is something that I have learned to just come to terms with, that it's neutral. It's not good, and it's not bad. We keep labeling things as good or bad because we constantly need to categorize things in our minds, so.

Jordan: Yeah. Or I've been working on that this year with my current roommates. That other, the other guy roommate was about two years ago. And so -- three years ago at this point, and I've gone back to therapy and things like that since then, and I'm doing a much better job this, this time of either me not, uh, worrying about their dishes in the sink or okay, they left this plate here, are they expecting me, Are they expecting someone else to clean it up? No, I'm just not thinking about it. I'm like, okay, there's a plate on the, on the counter, and it's not mine, so I'm not going to touch it. But if it stays there for more than two days, I'm going to ask whose is this, because it needs to go.

Dalia: You know, uh, to go along with what you said, I, I've been doing a lot of personal development and self work, especially in this area of taking things personal and learning to grow from it. And one of the exercises that helped me a lot was, when we're put in a situation of, you know, that mind chatter, where it starts to say, oh, take this personal, it's good to take a step back. And before you do anything, am I about to react or respond? Because reacting and responding are different. Responding is intentional. Responding is a choice. Reaction is that immediate, impulsive feeling that you get and you just, you act up on it. 

Jordan: Yeah. So you could react or, well -- so say if you're trained to see someone with food around their mouth, like, oh, well, that's gross. And that's the first thing you want to say -- maybe before you say it, think maybe, I don't know, this is a really weird extreme example, but maybe their hands don't work properly. Or maybe they don't realize because they don't have a mirror or they -- something like that. Like something's not going right. So maybe you could ask or maybe just point it out, but don't say it in a mean way. Don't say, "eww, you've got food on your mouth," but to be like, "did you know you have food on your mouth," and say it in a somewhat nice way.

Dalia: Well, then, to go a step further than that, instead of just offering it, ask permission to say it. For example, not everybody wants to hear what you have to say in any given moment. You know what I mean? And I'm not talking about you specifically. I'm just saying in general, you know what I mean? Not everybody wants to hear a prison's opinion all the time or just at any time. 

Jordan: No, there's a, there's a good video for that that one of my rabbis showed me that was, uh, a lady that has a nail in her forehead. And they say, it's not about the nail. 'Cause she, she's throughout the video, she's explaining her tremendous pain in the brain and this and that. And the guy sitting across the couch from her, he's like, you've got a nail in your forehead. And she's like, why don't you just listen to me? And so it's just like that. Sometimes people just want you to listen, not solve their problems --

Dalia: Exactly.

Jordan: -- even if the problem is quite obvious.

Dalia: Yes, exactly. And if it's, even if it's so obvious to you, sometimes all that person needs is an audience, an outlet, you know, and if you feel like you need to say something to somebody, ask them permission, can I offer you some feedback?

Jordan: Yeah, one of the things --

Dalia: And if that person says, yes, then offer it in that kind way without being a jerk about it, you know? 

Jordan: Yeah, or don't go around just giving -- 'cause one of the things I hear from a lot of my pregnant friends or friends that have been pregnant is random people that just come up to you and say, "oh, you're going to need to do this when they're three years old" or, or "make sure that you do this." It's like, I don't even know you. Who are you to give me this advice? 

Dalia: Exactly. People just want to offer, and they think they're being helpful, but they're not, you know, especially when you're not in a mindset to receive it. That is so true. I can't tell you how many times, like, you know, now's Ramadan, so we're doing fasting. And if I'm talking to people, and I tell them, I'm fasting, they're like "oh, make sure you are eating your protein and hydrating and blah, blah, blah." I'm like, thank you. 

Jordan: You've freaking done this like, I don't know --

Dalia: Thank you so much for telling me the obvious.

Jordan: -- decades already.

Dalia: I've been doing this for 20 plus years. Yeah, exactly. So I know people come from a well-intentioned place, but that's just one way we can avoid taking things personal when people don't react the way we expect them to react when we say things or when we hear them say things, you know? It's really helped me a lot, so. 

Back to the responding and reacting thing, if you tell me something that triggers me in a certain way, I can -- I have to consciously decide that I'm going to take a step back and ask myself, why, why am I feeling something I don't like because of what this person said? Nine times out of ten, it's not because of the words of the other person. It's because there's some truth in it that bugs you or that gets to the core of whatever it is you haven't dealt with or aren't working on, on yourself personally. You know what I mean? 

Jordan: Yeah. I know this has happened to me before.

Dalia: Yeah. It's happened to me a lot. You know, I'm continuously working on my Arabic. I speak it fluently. And I know you can relate to this as a French speaker, you know? And there are certain letters, uh, or I should say sounds that I say that sound harsher than they need to be. And that's just because of the way I speak English and Arabic. It's not something intentional I do, you know what I mean? 

Jordan: Yeah. 

Dalia: But every time I say this, these sounds, it's like two specifically, it gets pointed out to me by other Arabic speakers, and it drives me crazy. And at some point I start, like, I, I really like just get so annoyed and like, "I get it. I know, I know I have this problem. I'm working on it. Why do people keep pointing it out?" You know? And the reason I get triggered that way is because I know that's a weakness in me, and that weakness makes me feel a little insecure. So because I feel a little insecure, I tend to react or want to react negatively to that information whenever I receive it, instead of just accept okay, it is what it is. You know what I mean? 

Jordan: Yeah. Okay, so now I want to completely flip the script and talk about when to take things personal. Do you understand what I mean? 

Dalia: Yep. 

Jordan: Okay. So as an example recently, I was really surprised that that a new roommate -- well, so, so I got re accepted to do this French program that I've been doing, teaching abroad in France. And this girl, I, I have only known her like two weeks, and she went out and got me a cake and actually wrote like, "congratulations, Jordan" on that cake or had that written. And I was so surprised 'cause it's like, I don't know you that well, and it's hard sometimes to, to take things personal, to be like, do I deserve this? Is -- I don't know you, but -- and -- or how to receive a compliment too.

Dalia: You know, I, um, I think that's really sweet that she did that. I think for me, when I hear that, it sounds, it's something deeper, you know, because we're all, we're all taught -- you know, I think we're all programmed to just respond to things in certain ways like, "oh, are you getting, you look, you look skinnier." "Oh no, no, no, I'm not. I'm not, I haven't been doing, I've just been eating..." Like, I don't know. You know what I mean? 

So it's a, I think there's a deeper issue going on, and it has to do with our self-worth, and you know, it's okay to just accept things for what they are sometimes. If someone calls you a jerk, you're not going to be like, "okay, yeah, I'm a jerk. Thank you." You know what I mean? But I mean you -- but like if someone says, if someone's being genuine, just like, "oh, you look so pretty today. Did you do your hair differently?" "Oh yeah. Thank you. Yes." Or just "thank you. I appreciate that." That's all we have to say. You know what I mean? Regardless of whatever inner chatter is going on in our heads saying, "oh, this is not true. This is not true." You know?

Jordan: Yeah. Somehow, maybe in, in the fake-it-to-make-it scheme, I'll start to believe it. That's the hard part is to believe it on the inside when people do say those things. And I do know too -- there's a Jewish, spiritual path called Mussar where they talk about the giving. Like when, when you are giving, you have to be able to know that that person can receive because it can be awkward to receive sometimes. 

Dalia: Yeah.

Jordan: And so this is why they, they talk about giving to your family is easier because you understand them, you know their whims and their likes and dislikes, but giving to a stranger might be harder because maybe they don't know how to receive, or they feel so embarrassed or awkward. And you've just made actually things worse for them. So that's interesting. 

Dalia: I don't -- you know, I, I think that's really interesting, but I would take it a step further and say the way they react to -- the way they receive is none of our business. You know what I mean? Because they have their own issues going on, and we're not privy to anyone else's inner thoughts or inner belief system about themselves, their, their inner mind construct, you know? 

Jordan: Yeah, that is true. 

Dalia: So if we're, you know, I like that idea, you know, we give, I feel that as long as that giving comes from an authentic place, the person's going to receive it when they receive it. You know, it might not be now. They might look back on it and think -- oh, and I'm talking about receiving words. I'm not talking about receiving things, you know? They might look back one day, a week, a month, a year and remember that comment that you made and are only then able to receive it and be like, "oh, well, you know what? I've been told this about me before. And I actually believe it now," you know what I mean? 

Jordan: Yeah. Like that makes me think of the -- a marketing thing where you have to say something nine ways or eleven ways or eleven times before it finally sinks in and the person buys your product or that kind of thing. 

Dalia: Yeah, yeah. And everybody's --

Jordan: So maybe, maybe --

Dalia: -- level of resistance is different.

Jordan: Yeah, or maybe, maybe some person being told "you're so hardworking," like nine different people have to say it before they finally believe -- 'cause like this whole time that I've been in France, people are like, "oh, you're so brave," and "I couldn't do that," and "you're such an inspiration" and this, and I'm like, "uh, I'm not an inspiration. I'm just, anybody could do it." And I'm just doing it because it seemed interesting to me. This idea of anybody could do it, uh, I think that sometimes is what causes me to --

Dalia: But see, like you're underplaying it. You know what I mean? 

Jordan: That's what I mean, that's what I mean.

Dalia: The reality is nobody, not most -- most people aren't gonna go, um, out of their comfort zone, and that's just truth. You know, we have to try to go out of our comfort zone. And a lot of people like being comfortable, you know?

Jordan: Yeah.

Dalia: And you went out of your comfort zone to live in a new country and to not just visit there, but to actually live and work there, and take on their customs, and their way of life so that you can see what comes of it. You know, that takes courage and receiving that praise for it, be like, "hey, I am awesome like that." Why not?

Jordan: Yeah. I mean, it's funny. Like I'm not, it's not an arrogance thing. It's just a simple --

Dalia: No, it's not.

Jordan: It's just a simple that I have to believe it too. And it's because I just, it's just my life and oh, I just wanted to do this, and anyone can apply for it. I'm lucky that I was taken off of the wait list and accepted, but I suppose, yeah, it can be hard.

Dalia: It's a statement of fact. It's a statement of fact. It's a fact. What you did was a fact, that's it. And so when someone points it out, you be like, thank you. That is a fact. They're pointing out something that's true.

Jordan: Yeah. When they point out something that's true, that's, that's acceptable and easy to accept. But when they say things like you're an inspiration, then it's harder to accept because I'm like, oh, okay. I guess if I am to you. Okay.

Dalia: But is that because you don't feel like you're an inspiration? 

Jordan: Yeah. It's because I don't feel it even if, even if I do talk to myself at night where I'm like, "you're awesome. You're a bad-ass, you did all these things."

Dalia: I'm curious, do you say "you?" Do you actually use the words "you're awesome?" 

Jordan: Um...

Dalia: Like the word "you?"

Jordan: I switch. It's really weird. And that reminds me of some acting class that I was in one time where the teacher was really adamant that you say I, and, um, I switch. It's weird because I do feel comfortable saying "you" more than, than saying "I," because...

Dalia: Look at what happens when you say "you." You're still not identifying with it. That's somebody else. That's another version of you that you're not connected to. It's, like saying those kinds of words, that's -- you know, the thing with affirmations is they're so easy to say, but they become harder to believe, but it becomes -- so that's why, like I -- what I'm trying to say is "I am" statements are a lot more powerful. And I've, you know, doing the Mastermind that I've been doing recently, I'm using a lot more "I am" statements. 

Dude, my life has opened up in so many different ways by simply saying, "I am powerful. I am worthy. I am a magnet for opportunities and money" and whatever else that you want to say, you know what I mean? 

Jordan: Yeah. Yeah, like I've been working on that.

Dalia: By saying "I," you're connecting it deeply inside you. It just, it makes such a huge difference because I used to say "you" all the time.

Jordan: It makes me think of -- have you read "Anthem?" 

Dalia: No. 

Jordan: Oh, it's by Ayn Rand? It's a short book. It's like these computer people or something. And by the end, they've -- the person finally starts using the word "I," because this whole time they've been saying like "this one, this one feels this" -- like a computer might or something. And so when you, when you reach that last chapter, and they're using the word "I," it does feel extremely powerful suddenly.

Dalia: That's awesome. Yeah. There's just something so -- you know, talk about taking things personal, we take it personally when we say "I." And not only that, you know, when you're talking to somebody, that the advice is always, like, if you -- talk about your feelings. Don't talk about them. Don't say, "you're like this. You're like" -- "I felt" or "I feel like I'm not being heard. I feel like I'm not being" -- you talk about you, because when you do that, first of all, you personalize it, and you're taking it personally, but you're also putting the other person at ease. So that, that's just another reason why it using "I" statements are so much more powerful and productive than "you."

Jordan: Yeah, I know. And I've been doing a good job of that in recent, like, emails or anytime I have to, or just like with the, with, with the roommate or not the roommate, but the guest. This kind of stuff. Also that too in, I learned in, well, when I was taking Japanese, there's two different verbs, like "to think" because one is for things like, "I think that," or "I feel that this," but there's another form of the verb that you use when you're talking about other people to be like, "so-and-so thinks that this," because apparently we never really know what the other person thinks. And so they have a whole other verb for it. So that's awesome.

Dalia: Oh, see. Yeah, exactly. That's pretty cool. I love this specific conversation because of everything I experienced in my own life to finally get me to this place. Do you know what I mean, of learning how to take things personal? Like, and when I say personal, we're talking about how to accept things with grace.

Jordan: Yes.

Dalia: You know? And with ease and, um, just in a, in a relaxed way, you know? It's like, we don't need to be uptight about it. And also at the same time, like what we were talking about earlier in the podcast, detaching and not taking other things personal, you know? 

Jordan: Yeah, yeah. 

Dalia: You know, Jim Carey, he's gone from like funny man actor to this like really inspirational, motivational speaker. And, um, there's always -- there are all of these YouTube videos of him speaking at like graduation ceremonies or events or whatever. And he has different, different ways to say some the thing. And I was just happened to come across a video this morning. And he says that the eyes are not just visual. They're not just receivers, they're projectors. And what they project is the story you're telling yourself onto the reality that you're seeing. And so when we talk about taking things personal or not personal, all we're doing is projecting what's going on inside of us and the story we're telling, not what other people are saying about us, but the story we've taken on for our own lives and projecting that into the reality we're seeing. I thought that was really powerful.

Jordan: Yeah. I could see that in the example of like somebody that, uh, "I spilled water on the table, everybody's looking at me" when, if you look around and you see them glance at you, like, that's what you're going to, that's what you're going to think. But if you're, if you're not even thinking and you're like, "oh, oops, I dropped some water. Let me clean that up real quick." As you look around, you might just see people enjoying their lunch. And also you're looking around, they're looking around.

Dalia: Exactly.

Jordan: And so everybody's doing the same thing ,and no one, no one really noticed that you dropped water on the table.

Dalia: Yeah. Oh my God. One time a coach, when I was doing a personal development program, said something simple, but I took it so personal. I got so offended. She's like, "Dalia. Most people don't really care what you're doing. They're not even concerned with you. They probably don't even know your name." And I was just like, "dang, okay, I'm that invisible," but she's right. [laughs]

Jordan: But that's how --

Dalia: You know what I mean? Stop overthinking it.

Jordan: -- that's how I feel 'cause I get annoyed when I'm with people -- because I like to do karaoke every now and then -- and I get annoyed with people where they're like, "oh, I can't sing until I'm really drunk." And it's like, well, one, what I've always noticed from going to karaoke things is people only really pay attention when their friends are up singing. 

Dalia: Yeah.

Jordan: And so two, no, one's really listening to you. Like they only, they only pay attention if you're really good or if their friends are up --

Dalia: Or if you're really bad. [laughs]

Jordan: Well, maybe if you're bad, but they're not, they're not going to call you out on it. 

Dalia: No. It's just because most people acknowledge and recognize that, to get up on stage and sing in front of a whole room of people you don't know, is brave. So unless you're just in like a jerky audience situation, most people just let it go, you know? 

Jordan: Yeah. Or they know that it's not, that it is normal that most people do not sing well. Then they're like, well, it's karaoke night at the restaurant. There's not going to be the best of singers here. They know what they're getting into when they go to karaoke. So you don't have to be drunk to sing. 

Dalia: Yeah. They're definitely not paying for like a Taylor Swift or --

Jordan: Yeah, or otherwise they would pay.

Dalia: -- insert popular singer relevant now [laughs]. 

Jordan: Taylor Swift is relevant.

Dalia: But yeah, my, uh, technique is to write down my "I am" statements, and that I just learned to do, and to write an intention for my day. When I write an intention for my day and write out my "I am" statements, I find that I feel clear on what I want for that day. And things bounce off of me much more easily, things that I don't like. And I'm receptive to the things that I've intended for for that day. 

Jordan: So do you actually, you actually write them down every day? 

Dalia: No. So, uh, what I did is I just wrote down my "I am" statements once and I wrote, "this is my way of being," you know what I mean? And um, it really, it, it got me in a state of, uh, making me feel more worthy about myself. Like I like this person that I said that I was. I am being confident. I'm being self-assured. I am being a magnet for opportunities. I am being loved. I am supported. I am supporting -- supportive. You know what I mean? Whatever. So just saying things like that and then writing them down --

Jordan: Yeah, I had mine written down too.

Dalia: -- made it more real for me. Yeah.

Jordan: And then I say to them at night, usually in trying to fall asleep. 

Dalia: Yeah, exactly. And then say them in the morning when you wake up too. Why not start your day with those ways of being, you know? 

Jordan: Yeah. I was meditating in the morning. It's been a while though. 

Dalia: Oh, meditating is excellent. And if anyone's listening out there, and you haven't tried meditation, it's so easy to do, just five minutes. Focus on your breathing. 

Jordan: Yeah.

Dalia: And on your mind, or --

Jordan: You can find the guided ones too, that, if you don't know what to do --

Dalia: Exactly.

Jordan: -- like I've actually been using Headspace --

Dalia: I love Headspace.

Jordan: -- recently. I only got it like three weeks ago.

Dalia: My sister, she uses Calm, um, mostly for like nighttime stuff, but I've seen such a difference in her since she started using it. So there's so many ways to just level up your spiritual practice. And then that also elevates you mentally, emotionally, so you just feel good. You just feel what's the word, maybe balanced, whatever it is, you know?

Jordan: Yeah. So in the end, detach yourself from things that you don't need to be taking personal, such as dirty dishes that are not there on purpose because they hate you. It's just because that person is probably forgetful or who knows. And other than that --

Dalia: Or people staring at you for whatever reason, you know?

Jordan: Yes, other -- yeah. And try to, like, I'm still working on taking compliments and believing them and accepting them gracefully.

Dalia: Oh, I just remembered a really quick story. And then we can wrap up the podcast. Me, Dana, and a friend of ours, uh, we, we met at the gym, and so, you know, when you're at the gym, you're trying to be healthy, but my body wasn't anywhere near the ideal body that I still don't have. But anyway [laughs] I was a lot further back all those years ago. So anyway, we used to make a joke because every time we went to Wegman's, we always felt like people were staring at us everywhere we went and judging us for was was in our cart or --

Jordan: Wait...

Dalia: -- any, any grocery store.

Jordan: Okay, Wegman's is a grocery store.

Dalia: Yeah. Sorry. Oh yeah. I say Wegman's like everybody in the world should know what Wegman's is. So we went to the grocery store, but, um, it -- and you know, we always joked about how all three of us always felt judged whenever we put stuff in our cart, because it might be some healthy stuff, a lot of junk food, emotional, you know, healing kind of foods that aren't really healthy. And so we used to make a joke of that. And then one day after a few years of feeling this way, and I hated going grocery shopping honestly because of it, I walked into the grocery store and I said, "man, I am such a leader today. Everybody, if anybody's staring, they're going to look at me and be inspired by what's in my cart. And I don't even care." Honestly, it was the first time I grocery-shopped with such a peace of mind. And after that I just stopped caring. I don't know why, but see, these are the kinds of things we get hung up on. 

Jordan: Yeah.

Dalia: Like I'm so attached to these stories and to these beliefs that they can just really spiral out of control sometimes. So anyway. 

Jordan: Yeah. Good job. That was a good, yeah.

Dalia: Yeah. I felt, I'm pretty proud of myself. I can go grocery shopping with so much ease now. [laughs]

Jordan: Yes. Okay. So thank you. 

Dalia: Anyway.

Jordan: Thank you so much for listening. 

Dalia: Yeah, guys. Thank you. And again, if you have any questions or you want to share your story, feel free to email us. Check us out on our website, on the podcast page. We're here. 

Jordan: Yes. So we will see you next time. Thank you. 

Dalia: Bye.

Victor: That's our show. Didn't get enough of the twins? Go to BloomingVoices.com for more information and let us know what you thought of the episode. Twitter, Instagram, email, we've got the works. We'll see you next Wednesday.